memo: Requesting promotion
TO: Management Team C, Human Resources
FROM: Team Operations Leader No. 091582
DATE: December 19, 2020
SUBJECT: Requesting change in rank and salary
I am writing to request a status change from volunteer (of 9 years!) to salaried employee. As you know, I am now coordinating all operations for two subordinate Team Members, which has brought many additional stretch/growth opportunities. I am grateful for these opportunities, but I have begun to realize that volunteer work (while totally fulfilling) is actually kind of burning me out.
My work load skyrocketed this past year, which is totally and completely fine, because I welcome a challenge! All staff instructional sessions were reassigned to my headquarters. This is great, because I love instilling knowledge in my team, but, unlike me, the erstwhile outsourced instructors had years of training. But like I said, I love my work!
During the time in which Team Member No. 1 should have been writing his imaginary life as a bee (which, if we’re all being honest, is a stupid instructional assignment, but I kept my positive attitude and cheerfully brainstormed bee activities with him and I don’t really blame Team Member No. 1 for his behavior) he instead rolled around on the floor groaning.
His assigned iPad is for instructional purposes only, but while other B-level Team Members are practicing the summation of pennies, dimes, and quarters, he is searching YouTube for Lego war reenactments. And I have to say, those Lego battles are graphic and not suitable for junior Team Members. Note to self: Reevaluate content controls on instructional devices and write strongly worded letter to YouTube.
Meanwhile, Team Member No. 2 pops his head into the instructional lab approximately every 147 seconds to announce he is still hungry and requests an additional snack be provided. Despite empowering my team with motivational speeches re dynamism and grit, they fail to open the refrigerator and obtain a cheese stick. Yet, there may be some hope: In the early morning before our instructional sessions begin, they unearthed ice cream from the back of the freezer under the peas and chicken thighs.
Which reminds me, the quantity of foodstuffs required to sustain the Team Members has mushroomed (no, they don’t eat mushrooms). Whereas two years ago a 20-pound bag of carrots seemed ludicrous, today it is merely adequate. Apples and peaches disappear at an alarming rate. Note to self: Locate the facilities manager handbook and inspect the breakroom, plus add security camera to expose the culprit, plus consider per-item fees on daily quantities greater than 6 items.
The Team Members’ electronic instructional time has increased 675%, which has impaired their eyesight and hearing, particularly of my voice. Note to self: get Team Members’ hearing checked.
An additional concern requiring more time and effort to investigate/contemplate/solve is that Team Members have developed a dependence on the electronic instructional devices. When the bell signals power-down, they exhibit withdrawal symptoms that include poking/hitting/kicking/slapping/spitting on fellow Team Members, projectile experimentation, and primal screaming.
I’ve observed deterioration of the interpersonal team-building skills we have worked so hard to develop in previous cycles, especially in effective communication. For example, when dissatisfied with my instructions/answers/requests/motivational speeches, Team Member No. 1 vocalizes a beep noise while pushing an imaginary button in the air and says, you’re muted. Occasionally Team Member No. 2 abandons all attempts at verbal expression and collapses to the floor hurling head and limbs about.
I’m not complaining. My Team Members are so great! The best! I’m using these examples to demonstrate the extra work required of me in important roles such as motivational speaker, instructional designer and implementation specialist, caterer, and therapist, in addition to my initial responsibilities in accounting, resource administration, loss and recovery services, personal hygiene coaching, and schedule and appointment management.
I have determined a fair starting salary between $185,000 and $224,000, beginning with a three-month paid sabbatical at a remote, undisclosed location of my choice. In addition to medical and dental coverage, I require a $2,000 per month mental health stipend to be used at my own discretion with a mental health professional, massage therapist, bakery, or bar. I expect eight weeks annual paid vacation. Finally, please send a company lease, SUV hybrid preferred. For your information, some of the newer models come with a barrier between the driver and rear seats.
I hope you know I’m not in it for the money. I look forward to discussing my request/plea/entreaty soon! Feel free to call me during my work hours of 24/7.